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I want to get away. I want to fly away.
It’s funny. I’ve never really identified with that song till now. You’d think that now of all times I’d want to be with other people. I’d want to be with my family. But I don’t. I don’t want to be with them. I just want to be alone. Not really the same as the ‘flying away’ from the song, but those two lines fit.
Yesterday I was writing a fic about death. Today I get to experience it. Like the character in my story, he got to waste away. He got to get older and fade. He got to feel his life slipping away from him and death takes its place. He was stronger than I’ll ever be the whole time.
My mother asked him if he was in pain. He said “no.” My father and my aunt laughed. Confused, my mom asked again. Once again, he said “no.” My mother turned to my aunt Joyce and my father and said “He said he’s not.” My aunt sighed and looked down at him. “This is coming from the man who tried to drive himself to the ER after he cut off his finger with his saw.” That was him. He was stronger than I’ll ever be.
The last conversation I had with him, I told him I loved him. He told me to get all ‘A plusses’. He told me to make him proud. I told him I would. I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me back.
Last night, after we’d left the house, mom mentioned he’d accepted Christ into his life. God answered my prayers. He’s in Heaven with his Savior now. I am so relieved. These words can’t even describe how relieved I am.
I want to be strong for my family, but I don’t know how.
I don’t want to do anything that could hurt them anymore then his passing did, does. So I’m staying away. I think they’re worried about, but they shouldn’t be. I think Dad understands. Of everyone, he always understood me the best.
He looks like he’s sleeping. He’s laying there with his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open. If not for the slightly yellow color of his skin and the lack of snoring coming from him, I’d think he was sleeping. He’s not sleeping. When you sleep, you eventually wake up. He’s not waking up. The house is empty, nobody’s home. He’s moved on to bigger and better things. Grandma didn’t want him to leave without her. Now that he’s gone, she wants him to wait up for her to come with. I don’t want her to leave. Not yet.
Not ever.
When I was younger... Strike that. Until I found out he was very very sick, I had this dream. You know how every little girl dreams of her perfect wedding day? Well, in mine, I’d wear a bright white dress with a flattering corset and very little ornamentation and my daddy would walk me down the aisle to my fiancé. In the front pew, I always pictured grandpa sitting there, watching and... not smiling exactly, cause he didn’t really smile, but being happy. He won’t be there now. His seat is going to be empty.
I always wanted him to be proud of me. I looked up to him like you wouldn’t believe.
He was my grandfather. And now he’s gone.
I loved him very much. I love him very much. I love you, grandpa. I love you very much.
It’s funny. I’ve never really identified with that song till now. You’d think that now of all times I’d want to be with other people. I’d want to be with my family. But I don’t. I don’t want to be with them. I just want to be alone. Not really the same as the ‘flying away’ from the song, but those two lines fit.
Yesterday I was writing a fic about death. Today I get to experience it. Like the character in my story, he got to waste away. He got to get older and fade. He got to feel his life slipping away from him and death takes its place. He was stronger than I’ll ever be the whole time.
My mother asked him if he was in pain. He said “no.” My father and my aunt laughed. Confused, my mom asked again. Once again, he said “no.” My mother turned to my aunt Joyce and my father and said “He said he’s not.” My aunt sighed and looked down at him. “This is coming from the man who tried to drive himself to the ER after he cut off his finger with his saw.” That was him. He was stronger than I’ll ever be.
The last conversation I had with him, I told him I loved him. He told me to get all ‘A plusses’. He told me to make him proud. I told him I would. I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me back.
Last night, after we’d left the house, mom mentioned he’d accepted Christ into his life. God answered my prayers. He’s in Heaven with his Savior now. I am so relieved. These words can’t even describe how relieved I am.
I want to be strong for my family, but I don’t know how.
I don’t want to do anything that could hurt them anymore then his passing did, does. So I’m staying away. I think they’re worried about, but they shouldn’t be. I think Dad understands. Of everyone, he always understood me the best.
He looks like he’s sleeping. He’s laying there with his eyes closed and his mouth slightly open. If not for the slightly yellow color of his skin and the lack of snoring coming from him, I’d think he was sleeping. He’s not sleeping. When you sleep, you eventually wake up. He’s not waking up. The house is empty, nobody’s home. He’s moved on to bigger and better things. Grandma didn’t want him to leave without her. Now that he’s gone, she wants him to wait up for her to come with. I don’t want her to leave. Not yet.
Not ever.
When I was younger... Strike that. Until I found out he was very very sick, I had this dream. You know how every little girl dreams of her perfect wedding day? Well, in mine, I’d wear a bright white dress with a flattering corset and very little ornamentation and my daddy would walk me down the aisle to my fiancé. In the front pew, I always pictured grandpa sitting there, watching and... not smiling exactly, cause he didn’t really smile, but being happy. He won’t be there now. His seat is going to be empty.
I always wanted him to be proud of me. I looked up to him like you wouldn’t believe.
He was my grandfather. And now he’s gone.
I loved him very much. I love him very much. I love you, grandpa. I love you very much.
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bored
rejuvenated
cynical